Resistance against sharing my musical art was strong yesterday. I was experiencing fear. I am afraid of performing. I thought about which of my DBT skills might be effective in my situation and help keep me on track with my intention of signing up in two days for the open mic in three days (my first open mic). I have a severe case of imposter syndrome and notice that I am often telling myself that I am making a mistake just by considering performing at an open mic. “You’re a fool,” I say to myself, and “You not a musician.” “You can’t sing.” “This isn’t the real you.” The list of negative statements seems infinite. I realized yesterday that I was expecting to have to contend with two specific points in time during which the resistance will have its greatest effect on me. The first will be in two days from now, Sunday, as noon approaches. That’s when registration opens. I’ve read that the lineup is usually full by 1:00 p.m. I expect that I will come up with many excuses as to why I should not register. If I can tell myself NOT to sign-up for even 30 minutes, then I will have less of a chance of being granted an eight-minute spot in the lineup for performing two songs within my desired 90-minute segment (the open mic runs from 6-11p.m. and I am planning on asking for between 6-7:30 p.m.). If I convince myself to NOT register for 60 or 90 minutes after registration opens at noon, then I will have an even greater chance of escaping the performance. Obviously, I need to have a plan for dealing with the high levels of resistance I am expecting to experience Sunday morning. Such a plan can be found within the DBT skills, called “COPE AHEAD.” I picked up my “DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets” book by Marsha M. Linehan which I keep on the floor next to my morning sitting corner in my basement and searched for the “COPE AHEAD” skill in the index. Five pages were listed throughout the book which contains over 400 pages. I wrote the page numbers in my 3rd DBT notebook and started skimming the information beginning with the lowest page number, page 256.
The first thing I read was about the “Building Mastery” and “Cope Ahead” skills. They are part of “Reducing Vulnerability to Emotion Mind – Building a Life Worth Living” section which begins on page 247 in my 2015 second edition book. There are eight DBT skills in this section which suggests the use of the acronym ABC PLEASE to help remember them (letters “P” and “L” refer to a single skill). I thought I would focus on the “C,” but instead, I began reading from the beginning about the “A,” Accumulate Positive Emotions. I wrote notes as I read about focusing on both short- and long-term experiences that will help me feel better. Doing things that are possible now helps me to feel good in the moment. The long-term focus is about making changes in my life so that positive events will happen more often in the future. The statement mentioned in this part of the book and which I heard repeated over and over throughout my DBT experience is “Build a life worth living.”
I moved on to “Build Mastery” which focuses on doing things that make me feel competent and effective to combat helplessness and hopelessness.
Then came the “Cope Ahead” skill to deal with future emotional situations. This is about rehearsing a plan ahead of time in order to get through an emotionally challenging situation. I’m not going to get into the PLEASE skills which are all about taking care of your mind by taking care of you body, as I was focused on “Cope Ahead” yesterday.
[I’m pausing my report about my use of “Cope Ahead” yesterday and may continue later in this post or within a future post.]
When I woke this morning I felt dread regarding my plan to perform at my first open mic in three days. I asked myself why I was planning on performing and noticed a helpful response. I am trying to share a story about mental health. In some ways it will be similar to what I already know how to do and what I have done for many years. In other ways it will be very different and a new experience. The goal is to educate, inspire, and entertain people. I think I can do that. If I remember that my songs are each potentially one small piece of a larger story, then I may feel better about sharing them with both loved ones and with strangers.
I just had a realization at this moment of typing that I need my wife Sarah to be with me at the open mic in three days. My friend Al will be joining me. I was thinking of asking my neighbor Rick if he would like to join us. Until this moment, I had not been wanting Sarah to be there. I am very uncomfortable with her hearing my music. I am uncomfortable with her seeing me trying to be myself. I feel like I have built a delicate fake appearance of a happy family life so others will feel more comfortable as they falsely believe I am OK. I am not OK though and it comes out through my music. I am afraid to let Sarah into that part of what I feel and experience. I have realized recently in life that the things I am afraid of are most likely the most important parts of my life to place my focus. I am avoiding letting Sarah know more about my music and desire to have music play a larger role in my life.
If Sarah comes with me to the open mic, we will need help with our kids Monday evening. They both have basketball practice at different times, and it is our night to pick up our daughter’s friend on the way to practice.
I am afraid of making Sarah uncomfortable. I feel like she will think I have a horrible voice and she will feel embarrassed for me, and she will be afraid that I am going to regret performing my music. Or maybe that’s just me thinking I have a horrible voice and me feeling embarrassed even before I perform and me experiencing regret in advance of the performance. My mind is a twisted mess, and it feels like it gets more twisted as the years pass.
I want to leave. I want to leave everything and everyone. I want to feel content. I want to feel like I don’t want to leave. I want to feel like I would like to stay. I want to want less. I want so much, and so much of what I want involves great change and if I get what I want, I will likely still want more. The wanting is ruining my life. I don’t know how to want what I already have. I have no good ending for this blog post. I need to try to shift my focus to my job of podcast production.
– – – – – – – – – –
Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.