My first open mic is coming up in eight days on Monday November 28, 2022. The registration opens the day prior at noon and it fills up quickly, I believe within about an hour. The open mic where I will perform is at Sociable Cider in northeast Minneapolis, not far from home. My friend Al Levin will be joining me. This will be my open-mic performance anywhere. I attended one open-mic at Sociable Cider just to observe the space and people. I spoke with two of the performers that evening. They both made me feel like there is a welcoming community of performers there. It feels like a safe place to start.
I am afraid to perform and “I am Afraid” will be my first song I play at the open mic, followed by “Skeletons.” I will set my voice free in eight days. I will finally be on my musical journey. It feels like it will be my first baby step towards “building a life worth living,” a term that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), about which I would like to share more with you at some point.
I have started to share small pieces of my DBT experience in my podcast which is a bit of a disaster. I’m not quite sure where I am going with the podcast. I have recorded many potential episodes, most of which I have decided don’t fit my goals and purpose of podcasting. Many first episodes have been recorded and left to collect digital dust, seemingly lost forever in the digital maze of folders and files on a hard drive somewhere in my collection of music, writings, poems, screenplays, etc. It’s such a mess. There is so much information that I don’t know how to organize or use in any final format that will be shareable. My latest attempt at recording podcast episodes is to simply record myself practicing playing and singing my songs as I prepare myself for the upcoming open mic. It’s a weak podcast format, but that is OK with me because I know the format will change as I put more time and effort into the production.
I used my latest recording of “I am Afraid” and “Skeletons” to create a one-hour audio file of those two songs repeating back-to-back for me to listen to as I attempt to memorize the lyrics. The songs in the initial form came to me nearly four years ago in January 2019. “I am Afraid” has not changed much, if at all since I wrote it. “Skeletons” on the other hand, has changed a lot. The initial lyrics and melody are all still in the song, but I have added a lot to “Skeletons” including a bridge and a new ending. “Skeletons” took a lot of work, or maybe I should say it is taking a lot of work because I am not sure it is finished. Maybe playing at the open mic will help me understand if the songs are finished.
I have been wanting to play at an open mic for years and have been too afraid to try until now. I am still afraid and quite nervous, but something has shifted with my perspective in the last couple of days. I am not quite sure what has happened. Positive self-talk has been helping. Also, I told my fried Al Levin that I wanted to play at the open mic, and he is planning on attending which will be supportive. He knows all about my mental health challenges and knows that I am afraid and nervous. In addition, I told my wife that I am planning on playing at the open mic and she reacted with excitement which was encouraging. I wasn’t sure how she would react. I am always afraid to share my music with her.
Being afraid of performing feels a little strange to me. I have been in front of many audiences as a public speaker. I have shared my personal story of living with bipolar disorder with many audiences, some as large as 500 people. Prior to most public speaking engagements, I would experience fear and nervousness, but it never stopped me from doing what I needed to do. I was good at it. I had a clear purpose and mission for sharing my story. Doing so helped other people to feel a little bit more OK with the idea of talking about their own struggles or feel better about trying to help their loved one who is struggling with a mental illness. Lately, I have come closer to an understanding that I may be able to continue this work through my music and writing, including writing a screenplay that has caused much confusion in my mind. If I keep the mindset that I am helping people by being vulnerable and sharing my life experiences through my music, I think I will be OK as I take the stage in eight days. I can do it. I know I can. However, I still feel fear.
One line of lyrics in “Skeletons” is “It’s time to meet my new friend fear.” Keeping that idea up front in my mess of thoughts will be important to help me follow through with registering for the open mic. It’s possible to show up to the open mic as a walk-in and have about a 50/50 chance of being given some time, but probably just one song. I feel strongly that I want to perform two songs as “I am Afraid” feels appropriate for my first open mic, and “Skeletons” feels like a deeper dive into what my other music may be about and feels more moving to me as it touches on suicidal ideation as well as hope for a better future. Now that I think about it, both songs end with some hope for a better future.
That’s all for now. I must move on to other responsibilities and activities. Smile, even if it is forced. Think of something good. Picture something beautiful. Have hope for a great day and an even greater tomorrow.
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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.