My practice session yesterday was rushed and therefore minimally effective. I’m not sure if I will have an empty home today for practicing. I can’t bring myself to sing at home when my family is around. Why am I claiming that I will be performing my first open mic session in five days when I can’t even let my family hear me sing? I don’t know why.
Or I do know. My self esteem has dropped to a personal record low level. I don’t understand what’s happening with my urges to create and share music. I keep thinking and feeling that I will be helping educate people about mental health through my music and other forms of performance art. I fantasize about writing a musical play for kids to perform. I have been writing seemingly disconnected parts of a screenplay, and maybe some of those pieces are for a kids’ story, but when I write what I think is a script, I typically envision it as being a movie for adults. I’m not sure what I am making. It flows out of me or though me and it feels like it will become part of something, but I do not know what that something is yet.
It’s frustrating because when I write I feel like I am being incredibly productive, yet at the same time I feel like I am wasting time and being lazy because I am not making money that my family needs. I am working a little bit by producing podcasts for other people, but I purposely do not take on many projects because I want to make sure I have time to write and play music. What’s my point? I do not know.
I hope I can practice today for my FIRST OPEN MIC coming up in FIVE DAYS! I am expecting to experience an enormous amount of resistance the day prior to the open mic, and even more on the day of the open mic. I must follow through. I need to do this for me. I need to do this to move forward with my desire to let music play a larger role in my life.
Writing songs is hard work and I love it. When I write music and work on improving a song, I feel closer to belonging in this world. Most days I feel like an alien. I am tired of feeling like my life is not even close to being aligned with my purpose and life force.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am not looking forward to being in a crowded house. I feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t look forward to family gatherings. I have no coherent message to share with you. Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have written and posted this bit of nonsense. Have a good day. Smile. Be happy. Do something today that you like doing.
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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.