Month: November 2022

Despite urges to give up, I performed two songs last night. DBT skills got me through this. My friend Al Levin was supportive as well, and I feel that DBT skills allowed me to let Al be supportive. Al is a life coach and mental health advocate who produces and hosts “The Depression Files” podcast. He is also an assistant principal in a public elementary school. Learn more about Al and his podcast at TheDepressionFiles.com.

I used the DBT “Cope Ahead” skill within the few days prior to the open mic. There is so much I want to say about completing my first open mic. I think for a lot of people, this would not be a big deal. For me, this was the most difficult thing I have ever done. At an early stage in my life, it may have been much easier, but my self-esteem and confidence has declined to new lows over the last decade.

About three hours before the open mic started, I began to feel nauseous. I started exercising, first on my rowing machine in the basement. Moving my whole body helped. Then I did some weight training exercises which continued to help. Time seemed to slow down the closer it got to the open mic.

I am struggling to organize my thoughts for this post.

I made a mistake. I drank too much hard cider after I played my two songs.

I would like share more about my experience of performing at my first open mic. There seems to never be enough time for me to feel relaxed about spending time working on this blog, or working on my music, or working on my screenplays. I continue to notice the dialectic of experiencing the feeling of productivity and laziness at the same time when I work on my creative projects.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

Getting closer. Two days left. I am nervous and scared. I must do this even if my voice really sucks like I feel it does. I want to write songs, possibly for others to sing. I want to finish my musical screenplay. I want to let music fit into life. I want to not collapse or puke on stage. We’ll see.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

Resistance against sharing my musical art was strong yesterday. I was experiencing fear. I am afraid of performing. I thought about which of my DBT skills might be effective in my situation and help keep me on track with my intention of signing up in two days for the open mic in three days (my first open mic). I have a severe case of imposter syndrome and notice that I am often telling myself that I am making a mistake just by considering performing at an open mic. “You’re a fool,” I say to myself, and “You not a musician.” “You can’t sing.” “This isn’t the real you.” The list of negative statements seems infinite. I realized yesterday that I was expecting to have to contend with two specific points in time during which the resistance will have its greatest effect on me. The first will be in two days from now, Sunday, as noon approaches. That’s when registration opens. I’ve read that the lineup is usually full by 1:00 p.m. I expect that I will come up with many excuses as to why I should not register. If I can tell myself NOT to sign-up for even 30 minutes, then I will have less of a chance of being granted an eight-minute spot in the lineup for performing two songs within my desired 90-minute segment (the open mic runs from 6-11p.m. and I am planning on asking for between 6-7:30 p.m.). If I convince myself to NOT register for 60 or 90 minutes after registration opens at noon, then I will have an even greater chance of escaping the performance. Obviously, I need to have a plan for dealing with the high levels of resistance I am expecting to experience Sunday morning. Such a plan can be found within the DBT skills, called “COPE AHEAD.” I picked up my “DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets” book by Marsha M. Linehan which I keep on the floor next to my morning sitting corner in my basement and searched for the “COPE AHEAD” skill in the index. Five pages were listed throughout the book which contains over 400 pages. I wrote the page numbers in my 3^rd DBT notebook and started skimming the information beginning with the lowest page number, page 256.

The first thing I read was about the “Building Mastery” and “Cope Ahead” skills. They are part of “Reducing Vulnerability to Emotion Mind – Building a Life Worth Living” section which begins on page 247 in my 2015 second edition book. There are eight DBT skills in this section which suggests the use of the acronym  ABC PLEASE to help remember them (letters “P” and “L” refer to a single skill). I thought I would focus on the “C,” but instead, I began reading from the beginning about the “A,” Accumulate Positive Emotions. I wrote notes as I read about focusing on both short- and long-term experiences that will help me feel better. Doing things that are possible now helps me to feel good in the moment. The long-term focus is about making changes in my life so that positive events will happen more often in the future. The statement mentioned in this part of the book and which I heard repeated over and over throughout my DBT experience is “Build a life worth living.”

I moved on to “Build Mastery” which focuses on doing things that make me feel competent and effective to combat helplessness and hopelessness.

Then came the “Cope Ahead” skill to deal with future emotional situations. This is about rehearsing a plan ahead of time in order to get through an emotionally challenging situation. I’m not going to get into the PLEASE skills which are all about taking care of your mind by taking care of you body, as I was focused on “Cope Ahead” yesterday.

[I’m pausing my report about my use of “Cope Ahead” yesterday and may continue later in this post or within a future post.]

When I woke this morning I felt dread regarding my plan to perform at my first open mic in three days. I asked myself why I was planning on performing and noticed a helpful response. I am trying to share a story about mental health. In some ways it will be similar to what I already know how to do and what I have done for many years. In other ways it will be very different and a new experience. The goal is to educate, inspire, and entertain people. I think I can do that. If I remember that my songs are each potentially one small piece of a larger story, then I may feel better about sharing them with both loved ones and with strangers.

I just had a realization at this moment of typing that I need my wife Sarah to be with me at the open mic in three days. My friend Al will be joining me. I was thinking of asking my neighbor Rick if he would like to join us. Until this moment, I had not been wanting Sarah to be there. I am very uncomfortable with her hearing my music. I am uncomfortable with her seeing me trying to be myself. I feel like I have built a delicate fake appearance of a happy family life so others will feel more comfortable as they falsely believe I am OK. I am not OK though and it comes out through my music. I am afraid to let Sarah into that part of what I feel and experience. I have realized recently in life that the things I am afraid of are most likely the most important parts of my life to place my focus. I am avoiding letting Sarah know more about my music and desire to have music play a larger role in my life.

If Sarah comes with me to the open mic, we will need help with our kids Monday evening. They both have basketball practice at different times, and it is our night to pick up our daughter’s friend on the way to practice.

I am afraid of making Sarah uncomfortable. I feel like she will think I have a horrible voice and she will feel embarrassed for me, and she will be afraid that I am going to regret performing my music. Or maybe that’s just me thinking I have a horrible voice and me feeling embarrassed even before I perform and me experiencing regret in advance of the performance. My mind is a twisted mess, and it feels like it gets more twisted as the years pass.

I want to leave. I want to leave everything and everyone. I want to feel content. I want to feel like I don’t want to leave. I want to feel like I would like to stay. I want to want less. I want so much, and so much of what I want involves great change and if I get what I want, I will likely still want more. The wanting is ruining my life. I don’t know how to want what I already have. I have no good ending for this blog post. I need to try to shift my focus to my job of podcast production.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

My practice session yesterday was rushed and therefore minimally effective. I’m not sure if I will have an empty home today for practicing. I can’t bring myself to sing at home when my family is around. Why am I claiming that I will be performing my first open mic session in five days when I can’t even let my family hear me sing? I don’t know why.

Or I do know. My self esteem has dropped to a personal record low level. I don’t understand what’s happening with my urges to create and share music. I keep thinking and feeling that I will be helping educate people about mental health through my music and other forms of performance art. I fantasize about writing a musical play for kids to perform. I have been writing seemingly disconnected parts of a screenplay, and maybe some of those pieces are for a kids’ story, but when I write what I think is a script, I typically envision it as being a movie for adults. I’m not sure what I am making. It flows out of me or though me and it feels like it will become part of something, but I do not know what that something is yet.

It’s frustrating because when I write I feel like I am being incredibly productive, yet at the same time I feel like I am wasting time and being lazy because I am not making money that my family needs. I am working a little bit by producing podcasts for other people, but I purposely do not take on many projects because I want to make sure I have time to write and play music. What’s my point? I do not know.

I hope I can practice today for my FIRST OPEN MIC coming up in FIVE DAYS! I am expecting to experience an enormous amount of resistance the day prior to the open mic, and even more on the day of the open mic. I must follow through. I need to do this for me. I need to do this to move forward with my desire to let music play a larger role in my life.

Writing songs is hard work and I love it. When I write music and work on improving a song, I feel closer to belonging in this world. Most days I feel like an alien. I am tired of feeling like my life is not even close to being aligned with my purpose and life force.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am not looking forward to being in a crowded house. I feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t look forward to family gatherings. I have no coherent message to share with you. Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have written and posted this bit of nonsense. Have a good day. Smile. Be happy. Do something today that you like doing.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

Resistance against my urge to share my music was strong yesterday. I lost nearly all confidence and almost believed that I am making a mistake by planning on performing at an open mic for the first time in my life six days from now. I have noted that I am telling myself that I am a fool to spend time preparing for performing because it is a waste of time to focus on my music. I will practice today and I will keep my plan of performing in six days on November 28, 2022. I need to do this. I will not die with my music still inside me.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

My first open mic is coming up soon. Here is a recording of this morning’s practice of two songs, “I am Afraid,” and “Skeletons.” I typed the lyrics to“Skeletons” to help me learn the them. I may do the same with skeletons, although it’s just the end of Skeletons that often get wrong. I seem to mess up just about anywhere in “I am Afraid.”

Lyrics to “I am Afraid” (Written January 2019 by Brian Jost)

I am afraid of everything.
I am afraid to let me sing.
I am afraid, I am afraid of you.
I am afraid to be myself.
I am afraid to stop my meds.
I am afraid that I may have to leave.
Look at the way the world is now.
How can we expect to be OK?
I am afraid I found my voice.
I am afraid to make my choice.
I am afraid, I am afraid of now.
I am afraid of climate change.
I am afraid to go to work.
I am afraid, I afraid of life.
Look at the way we fucked things up.
Why should I hope we’ll get it right?
Look at the way the world is now.
How can we expect to be OK?
All I want is another chance to get things right, just one more try.
All I want, all I want, all I want is another try.
I am afraid I have no choice.
The time has come to sing to you,
and look into your eyes from above.
I am afraid to write the words,
that are tearing my heart apart.
I am afraid to be myself.
Look at the chance that we have now
to come together and be one.
Look at the way we could get it right
if only we could open up our minds.
All we need is to get it right this one last try.
All we need, all we need, all we need is to get it right.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

My first open mic is coming up in eight days on Monday November 28, 2022. The registration opens the day prior at noon and it fills up quickly, I believe within about an hour. The open mic where I will perform is at Sociable Cider in northeast Minneapolis, not far from home. My friend Al Levin will be joining me. This will be my open-mic performance anywhere. I attended one open-mic at Sociable Cider just to observe the space and people. I spoke with two of the performers that evening. They both made me feel like there is a welcoming community of performers there. It feels like a safe place to start.

I am afraid to perform and “I am Afraid” will be my first song I play at the open mic, followed by “Skeletons.” I will set my voice free in eight days. I will finally be on my musical journey. It feels like it will be my first baby step towards “building a life worth living,” a term that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), about which I would like to share more with you at some point.

I have started to share small pieces of my DBT experience in my podcast which is a bit of a disaster. I’m not quite sure where I am going with the podcast. I have recorded many potential episodes, most of which I have decided don’t fit my goals and purpose of podcasting. Many first episodes have been recorded and left to collect digital dust, seemingly lost forever in the digital maze of folders and files on a hard drive somewhere in my collection of music, writings, poems, screenplays, etc. It’s such a mess. There is so much information that I don’t know how to organize or use in any final format that will be shareable. My latest attempt at recording podcast episodes is to simply record myself practicing playing and singing my songs as I prepare myself for the upcoming open mic. It’s a weak podcast format, but that is OK with me because I know the format will change as I put more time and effort into the production.

I used my latest recording of “I am Afraid” and “Skeletons” to create a one-hour audio file of those two songs repeating back-to-back for me to listen to as I attempt to memorize the lyrics. The songs in the initial form came to me nearly four years ago in January 2019. “I am Afraid” has not changed much, if at all since I wrote it. “Skeletons” on the other hand, has changed a lot. The initial lyrics and melody are all still in the song, but I have added a lot to “Skeletons” including a bridge and a new ending. “Skeletons” took a lot of work, or maybe I should say it is taking a lot of work because I am not sure it is finished. Maybe playing at the open mic will help me understand if the songs are finished.

I have been wanting to play at an open mic for years and have been too afraid to try until now. I am still afraid and quite nervous, but something has shifted with my perspective in the last couple of days. I am not quite sure what has happened. Positive self-talk has been helping. Also, I told my fried Al Levin that I wanted to play at the open mic, and he is planning on attending which will be supportive. He knows all about my mental health challenges and knows that I am afraid and nervous. In addition, I told my wife that I am planning on playing at the open mic and she reacted with excitement which was encouraging. I wasn’t sure how she would react. I am always afraid to share my music with her.

Being afraid of performing feels a little strange to me. I have been in front of many audiences as a public speaker. I have shared my personal story of living with bipolar disorder with many audiences, some as large as 500 people. Prior to most public speaking engagements, I would experience fear and nervousness, but it never stopped me from doing what I needed to do. I was good at it. I had a clear purpose and mission for sharing my story. Doing so helped other people to feel a little bit more OK with the idea of talking about their own struggles or feel better about trying to help their loved one who is struggling with a mental illness. Lately, I have come closer to an understanding that I may be able to continue this work through my music and writing, including writing a screenplay that has caused much confusion in my mind. If I keep the mindset that I am helping people by being vulnerable and sharing my life experiences through my music, I think I will be OK as I take the stage in eight days. I can do it. I know I can. However, I still feel fear.

One line of lyrics in “Skeletons” is “It’s time to meet my new friend fear.” Keeping that idea up front in my mess of thoughts will be important to help me follow through with registering for the open mic. It’s possible to show up to the open mic as a walk-in and have about a 50/50 chance of being given some time, but probably just one song. I feel strongly that I want to perform two songs as “I am Afraid” feels appropriate for my first open mic, and “Skeletons” feels like a deeper dive into what my other music may be about and feels more moving to me as it touches on suicidal ideation as well as hope for a better future. Now that I think about it, both songs end with some hope for a better future.

That’s all for now. I must move on to other responsibilities and activities. Smile, even if it is forced. Think of something good. Picture something beautiful. Have hope for a great day and an even greater tomorrow.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

This may fit into my screenplay. I’m hearing this melody as part of a duet between the protagonist seeker and another character who has the power to grant wishes. This recording is just the first spark of inspiration.

– – – – – – – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.