January, 2022 - Eureka Point Lighthouse

#18. Noise of the Day 01/30/2022

Strange audio created by Brian Jost on 01/30/2022

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#17. Song idea, “New Basketball Hoop” by Brian Jost (2021)

This is a bit of a song idea from March of 2021 “New Basketball Hoop” (because Brian was thinking about replacing his kids’ basketball hoop which did happen in the spring). It’s another quick recording to capture a possible melody. Possible lyrics below. This will probably become something very different or fit into something else that Brian is working on. Who knows? Brian does not want me to share this. Too bad. Here it is.

Lyric ideas:

I don’t want tomorrow to come to me today
I don’t want yesterday to haunt the rest of my days
I can’t live tomorrow if I want to live today.
I can’t live today, if I’m stuck on yesterday.
I can’t fix tomorrow if I don’t fix today.
I can’t fix tomorrow if I’m stuck living yesterday.
I can’t live forever, so I will live for today.
I can’t stop the terror, and I can’t stop the dread.
I can’t interrupt this fatal error in my head.

#16. (Ridiculous) Song “Chunky Monkey” by Olive Jost and Brian Jost (2019?)

(Ridiculous) song “Chunky Monkey” – Began as a poem written by Brian Jost’s 8-year-old daughter Olive. Music and vocals by Brian Jost (2019?).

#15. HORRIBLE recording, another partial version of “Skeletons” (2020?) by Brian Jost

This must be embarrassing for Brian. Here is a short piece of another version of Brian Jost’s song “Skeletons.” It will never be finished. Brian will never get it right. He will never be able to sing the song the way he hears it in his head. If he knew what was best for him, he would give up now, call it quits, realize he has no true musical talents, skills, or abilities. Brian is a fool to be wasting time on this song or any of his music. I feel sorry for him. What a loser. And why, why, why does he keep trying?

#14. Song “Try Hard” (unfinished melody idea for screenplay, Feb. 2021) by Brian Jost

There is a loud voice in Brian’s mind that is telling him to NOT share this or any of his ideas related to writing, music, screenplays, etc. It seems pretty clear that the voice is coming from a place of wisdom, because what you are about to read is obviously a bunch of incomplete nonsense. Maybe Brian should listen to that judgmental voice more often instead of fighting it and purposely sharing something like this blog post despite knowing that anyone who reads it will think he is a crazy freak who is “less” than others because of his mental illness. Whatever.

Brian is supposedly writing a musical screenplay, and he has around 50 song ideas started. He recorded this partial song idea (“Try Hard”) to capture the melody in his head. Brian thinks he recorded it in February of 2021 and found a note that he had initially titled the song “Long Cold February.” That is probably how he feels about any February in Minnesota…too long and too cold. Yes, even the shortest month of the year is too long for Brian. His gigantic sun-lamp works hard in the winter, especially the last half of the season. Around mid-January is when Brian typically begins feeling a deeper level of winter depression. February is typically worse than January. Anyway… here is Brian now, posting this song idea about a year after it came to him. Some of the lyrical ideas are below (none in the recording in this video…just the music, mainly to hear the melody).

#13. Song “Skeletons” (Again, old version, partial, 177 bpm, 2020?) by Brian Jost

Here it is again, another part of the “Skeletons” puzzle (see/hear also song posts #5, #9, #11, #15, and #21 with different versions of the song). This recording is from near the beginning of Brian trying to make sense of how it should sound. He continues to hear the song in his head with a variety of tempos and chord progressions, although most version of the song have been based on the D and A-chords. In this rough recording, Brian used two mics with one of them running through a vocoder to help hide his own voice a bit because he has zero confidence in his ability to sing and he doesn’t feel good about sharing his music, especially on a publicly available platform such as this blog. After Brian publishes a song here, he finds himself thinking “What the fuck did I just do?!” He knows that anyone who listens to his music will be reassured that he is crazy and delusional. Brian fears that nobody will understand that he is able to finish any of his songs and record them properly and create something beautiful. He seems to never have enough time to finish any of his musical projects. It’s mostly just quick and rough recordings with little of no editing. He feels like an imposter, a fraud, as he sits on his throne of lies (he took that “throne of lies” comment from the movie “Elf” – Brian’s kids love that line).

Brian wishes he had more time to write for his blog. There is so much on his mind that he wants to share, mostly about mental health and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

#12. Song “Good Morning Everybody” (2020) with vocals by Olive Jost, music by Brian Jost

Brian’s daughter Olive sings “Good Morning Everybody” to those who are reading the blog and listening to this song in the morning.

#11. SUICIDE AND THE NEW YEAR. Song “Skeletons” (Alternate – key and pitch change, chords: B-F#-G#) Recorded 2021 (Original 2019) by Brian Jost

This is another possible version of the song “Skeletons” (see link at bottom of post) by Brian Jost (initial song idea composed in January 2019). It’s based on a different chord progression and a much higher voice than he is used to singing. It’s a very rough take and far from finished. The song is missing a lot, like a chorus and bridge, as well as a more positive ending. Brian composed and recorded this version of “Skeletons” likely in September or October of 2021.

SUICIDE AND THE NEW YEAR. The following post was written by Brian Jost over a year ago on 01/01/2021 and posted on this blog on 01/09/2022).

A first-person perspective by Brian Jost:

Silence and isolation have been my close friends for far too long. I welcome them both when I am depressed and anxious over my personal battle with guilt and shame concerning my daily thoughts of suicide. Although I have shared publicly for years that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 in 2005, I have only touched extremely lightly on the topic of suicide as it has affected me. Somehow, I have found admitting that I have a mental illness relatively simple (not to be confused with “easy”) but admitting that I have lived with daily thoughts of suicide for most of my adult life (I’m 45 as I write this) feels much more complicated and embarrassing. I wish it wasn’t that way. I wish everyone who experiences thoughts of suicide could share it easily with whomever they need to share it with.

When I find myself playing with my young kids, laughing, having fun, but at the same time noticing my desire to leave this world, I quickly and easily think I am broken. I start feeling weak. I feel ashamed that I am not a stronger husband and father. I feel guilty for having kids who I may not be able to raise to adulthood. I feel far less than whole. Despite these self-defeating feelings, I somehow carry on and continue to live even during the days when I can only handle the next 60 seconds repeatedly until the minutes finally pile up enough to bring me to sleep. I do my best to think at night that tomorrow will be better, but that’s often not an easy thought to think. I tell myself “Good job for surviving this day” and “I will be able to handle tomorrow.” Then “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” That children’s’ story about the little train engine who had to think its way up the big hill finds its way into my thoughts often.

Since last spring I have been trying to answer a question that I was asked from a former colleague at NAMI Minnesota (National Alliance on Mental Illness) with whom I shared the fact that I live with almost daily thoughts of suicide. Her question was simply “How do you do it? How do we tell others to do it?” I couldn’t answer her at the time. I wasn’t sure how I was managing. Then months later during a productive moment of purposeful introspection, I had a much needed “EUREKA!” moment in which felt I instantly knew the answer. Although the answer appeared simple to me, I have been trying to sort it out in writing and it is not ready to share. My answer keeps getting longer and more complicated as I work on organizing it in a way that I believe will be worth sharing.

My second book is on its way to provide this answer. It is my answer, my way of living with thoughts of suicide that may never completely disappear. It is my hope that my answer may help others. I’m tired of my silence. I’m tired of pretending to be “normal” when I know I’m not. I’m tired of feeling ashamed for having a mind that is less healthy than many other minds. I am tired of bipolar disorder. I am tired of depression. I am tired of anxiety (general, social, situational…whatever form it may take). I am tired of fearing another manic episode and hospitalization, even though it’s been over 10 years since experiencing either. I am tired of struggling with what is likely attention deficit disorder. I am tired of not being able to trust myself when I feel good or happy (that’s me fearing that I’m getting manic). I am tired of medication. I am tired of ignoring the truth when asked “How are you?” I am tired, so very tired, but I am not ready to rest.

Suicides are on the rise and there is still so much work to be done to decrease the increasing rates that appear to be out of control. I have a lot to say about it. I used to speak a lot about it publicly, sharing my personal recovery story, giving hope to people by being open about my struggles and sharing what has worked for me. I reached a point when it all felt too confusing and overwhelming. I quit my job at NAMI Minnesota (National Alliance on Mental Illness) this past summer of 2019 after over seven years on staff plus three additional years volunteering before being hired. A decade of intense involvement with NAMI has given me a perspective on mental illness that I feel I need to share with the world. I know my message isn’t truly for everyone, but something inside me is urging me to yell loud and clear that there is a better way for all of us to look at mental illnesses. There is a better way to do a lot of what is being done in the world. There is a better way. With that thought in mind, I somewhat reluctantly but openly welcome the new year.

#10. (Ridiculous) Song “Nursery Rhymes, ABC’s” by Brian Jost. Red-Light Coffee Dance #10

This “song” (is it really a song?) is ridiculous. Brian Jost was attempting to entertain his kids. It worked, and it was ridiculous. Vocals recorded 04/12/2019. The background music previously titled “Backyard” (see blog post #8) before it became ridiculous.

#9. “Skeletons” (full song, 12/05/2021, new ending) by Brian Jost

Suicide and suicidal ideation are the foundation of the song, “Skeletons.” Brian tried to end the song on a positive note. This is about NOT giving up.

“Skeletons” was written by Brian Jost in January of 2019 during concerning period of depression that included a lot of suicidal ideation. Thoughts of suicide were not new to Brian, as they had been visiting him for most of his adult life (maybe 20 years?…it’s difficult to know with certainty). Something was different though during the winter of 2018/2019, especially January and February of 2019. To Brian, the possibility of suicide became inevitable. For the first time, he felt and believed that suicide was the one and only way he would die at some point in the future. He had no plan for suicide, however, he began noticing an available means to complete suicide and urges to develop a plan.

Brian plans on writing much more about the song “Skeletons” and about the darkness he experienced during that difficult winter, as well as how he climbed out of that darkness. In fact, he has already written a lot about it, but it is mostly hand-written in notebooks and he has not yet made it a priority to type it into a blog post or elsewhere. Stay tuned for more.

#8. Music, “Backyard” (2019) by Brian Jost

Music or song? This one is music (Title: “Backyard,” created likely around March 2019). This piece of music shows up again in blog post #10 (The ridiculous nursery rhyme ABCs song). No lyrics. Instrumental?…sort of. There is a bit of acoustic guitar, but the rest was played with a keyboard, electronic, midi running through a DAW (Steinberg Cubase). Brian considers the percussion to be “fake.” He did not play any percussion instrument in this recording. Rather, he programmed percussion patterns inside Cubase. Brian enjoys playing around with various percussion sounds and programming unique patterns. He also enjoys playing a real drum set. Brian’s acoustic drum set is currently stored at his parents’ house. He recently acquired and began playing an electric drum set which is smaller than his acoustic drum set (same number of drums, and one more cymbal), and it fits nicely in his tiny home “studio.”

#7.5, DBT Update #1, January 5, 2022

Brian skipped DBT group yesterday because he felt too busy and did not make the appointment a priority in his life. Group starts at 10:05 a.m. Tuesday mornings. Yesterday, after Brian dropped off his kids at school around 9:10 a.m., he drove straight to Target to return an iPad case that did not fit his wife’s iPad. He purchased wild rice, deodorant, one of his prescribed medications meant to help with his mood and sleep, two backpacks for his kids, one birthday present for his daughter, and another iPad case. Instead of buying all of that, his plan was to just return the iPad case and purchase his meds, and then leave the store and get back home in time for his DBT group meeting. He got distracted.

As Brian was standing in line at the pharmacy inside Target, he realized how difficult he finds it to make time to do an errand such as this. He couldn’t help but think he should try to buy those additional shopping items even if it meant being late for DBT group. He left the store at 10:01 a.m., four minutes before group would start. He was going to be more than just a little late. He decided to skip the whole group, so he emailed the group facilitators notifying them of his plan. He also announced that he would not be able to keep his Thursday (now tomorrow as this is typed) DBT individual therapy appointment at 9:00 a.m. because he would be busy with driving his kids to school, a recent change in his routine. Blame COVID.

Brian is afraid of his kids riding the bus as the Omicron COVID variant is spreading quickly. The bus is packed with kids. The windows are closed. The bus driver wears his mask low with his nose exposed. Brian plans on driving his kids to school and picking them up after school the rest of this week and next week, and perhaps longer than that.

#7. Song, “Ergonomics” (2019) by Brian Jost

In this song titled “Ergonomics,” Brian used his own voice as the primary instrument. He doesn’t remember why he titled it “Ergonomics.”

Brian woke up late this morning after going to bed late last night. He has DBT group today at 10:00 a.m. and he really doesn’t want to attend. He would rather work on his book and music. He would rather work on this website/blog. He needs to add links to his memoir and other work. He would rather meditate.

At this moment, as Brian is typing this post, he notices his chest feels tight. His breathing is shallow, nearly non-existent. Brian’s jaw is clenched. He feels panic taking over his mind as realizes there are too many tasks to be completed today. He does not have time to complete all of the tasks. DBT group will take two hours out of his day (a little longer considering the time it takes to setup and cleanup a work space and computer to connect remotely to the group).

Damn…Brian ran out of time to finish this post. He has much more on his mind. By for now. Thank you for visiting.

#6. Song “I Love My Bed” (2018) by Brian Jost

Brian titled this song “I Love My Bed.” He has no memory of creating this song or what it was about his bed that apparently had him feeling so affectionate towards it that he would decide to name a song after it. Brian created this “song” (Is it really a song or just a short repeating melody?) in November 2018. There are no lyrics to this music, no singing, no vocals whatsoever. This may not make sense, but Brian tends to this of this recording as “music” whereas he thinks of lyrical recordings as “songs.” He is no expert and doesn’t even know why he thinks that way. It probably has something to do with his fear of sharing music and the way he hides behind his “hobbyist” approach of creating music. Brian creates music for his own enjoyment and as a way to release and examine some of his thoughts, feelings, and emotions. He feels that he never finishes any of his songs. There seems to always be something left to change or fix or finish. That idea is part of what keeps him from sharing his music. This blog is partly an exercise in sharing. Brian is forcing himself to share recordings, most of which he has not shared with anyone, not even his wife or kids. He is feeling quite vulnerable by doing so, and he is doing it anyway. As he has learned through DBT, he is practicing “opposite action” to fear. It’s the “doing it despite the fear” that he wants to make a habit. He feels the need to share what he has created and he feels the need to do so despite his fear.

#5. Song: “Skeletons” (partial for melody idea, no vocals, 2019) by Brian Jost

This is part of an unfinished song titled “Skeletons” written by Brian Jost. The “real” recordings of the song include vocals by Brian Jost and acoustic guitar as the primary instrument. The version you hear in this video is part of at least 49 different melodies that Brian may be including in a musical screenplay (perhaps it will be performed on-stage) or audiobook filled with music. This quick recording is an example of how Brian captures some of the musical ideas that show up in his head every day.

Brian is hesitant to share this recording as it is nothing like what the finished will sound like. He has also recorded about 20 versions of “Skeletons” that are closer to complete with multiple verses, chorus, and bridge. He is afraid to let people hear him sing and afraid in general about sharing his music. Brian is considering hiring an experienced vocalist to sing “Skeletons” to accompany his own guitar playing (likely along with Brian’s amateur piano/keyboard skills).

The beginning lyrics for “Skeletons” are:

“Hanging like I do, it’s every day. Waking up repeating what I say. I feel it now. I feel it coming my way. It’s time to toss out the skeletons.”

Brian wrote the initial song idea in January 2019 during a very difficult depressive episode that included a lot of suicidal ideation. Suicide is what Brian felt was coming his way, and it felt inevitable to Brian which was new to him. Before “Skeletons” showed up, his future death was open to endless possibilities (accidents, illnesses, disease, old-age/natural causes, etc. – just like everyone else), but during that winter, and especially in January and February of 2019, he felt he knew that suicide would be the way he would leave this world. The inevitability part of his potential future suicide faded, but not without a lot of attention and hard work.

Brian hopes to share how he manages living with thoughts of suicide, and specifically how he has worked to stop thoughts of suicide from growing roots in his mind. Part of what he wants to share is how Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has improved his state of mental health and how he continues to use DBT skills to build a life worth living. Brian has so much to share and he is trying to organize the information in a productive manner without becoming severely overwhelmed.

Please visit again for more tidbits of information.