Brian Jost is FORCING SMILES with debut album “Making Room”

Forcing Smiles is the American indie folk artist name of singer-songwriter Brian Michael Jost who released his debut solo album “Making Room” in September 2024. “Making Room” contains 13 songs (previously heard in unfinished form in podcast episode 9), seven of which were written in January 2009 during one of Jost’s deep depressive episodes. Surviving suicidal ideation and other mental health struggles are some of the obvious topics heard in Making Room.

Realizing that there is already another “Brian Jost” musician already publishing music somewhere in the world, an artist name was needed. Brian thought of the name “Forcing Smiles” while reviewing Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills (or techniques), specifically the skill known as “Half-Smile,” an ancient technique borrowed from Buddhism which involves upturning the lips very slightly (for ten minutes, suggested by some) which can help a person to feel joy even during a depressive episode.

Ep-009, Demo Album, 13 Songs (not Fugazi), by Brian Jost, a.k.a. Eureka Point Lighthouse

Here is the demo album (recorded December 2023) which I have started to re-record in March 2024. Most of these were written in January 2019. A few are much newer. Tracks 1-12 were recorded on 12/15/2023 at home. Track 13 was recorded on 12/18/2023 at Cloverleaf Audio-Visual, a recording studio in St. Paul, MN, where some of the later re-recording has taken place. All recording, engineering, mixing, (and not really mastered at all), by Brian Jost.

Here are the song titles and approximate start times within this episode:

  1. “I am Afraid” – Starts around 00:04:01
  2. “Skeletons” – Starts around 00:7:10
  3. “Cup of Coffee” – Starts around 00:11:20
  4. “Rearrange the Stars” – Starts around 00:14:53
  5. “Better Off in the Morning” – Starts around 00:21:51
  6. “God’s Apology” – Starts around 00:23:45
  7. “Happy Music” – Starts around 00:25:43
  8. “Buy Me a Ticket” – Starts around 00:27:29
  9. “High Note” – Starts around 00:30:15
  10. “Turn it Around” – Starts around 00:33:08
  11. “Ten Times Gravity” – Starts around 00:36:20
  12. “Every Now and Then” – Starts around 00:38:22
  13. “Last Song” – Starts around 00:39:51

For more (bad) music, blog posts, and other info, please visit

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Red Light Coffee #10

 

Red Light Recess #3: Not Being Me

“Red Light Coffee #3”

(Sort of continued from post “Red Light Recess #2: Permission”)

I know I need permission from myself to fully embrace the musical creativity that is apparently a big part of who I am, AND I continue to struggle with offering myself that freedom. Other creative urges I notice such as photography and wood-working are stifled even more than music. I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t know why I fear being me. I am covering up so much creativity. What am I truly afraid of? Why is this so difficult? Why can’t I simply write a song and share it and feel good that I finished it and shared it? That’s who I want to be. That’s who I am inside. I’m just not letting me be me.

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For more music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other info, please visit https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Music Production, Podcast Intro Jingle Services, Podcast production and Audio Engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

 

Red Light Recess #2: Permission

“Red Light Coffee #2”

In 2019 I noticed I was avoiding my mission, my purpose in life. I wrote about it so I could try to understand it. I believed it. It made sense to me, yet I didn’t believe I was the right person for the mission. Five years later, I jumped to a higher level of understanding, but the self doubt and fears remained. Where shall I start? It’s so overwhelming when I see and feel all the pieces floating around me. Perhaps I should start by stating that I feel the need to be granted permission to be the songwriter and musician that I already am on the inside. Although I recognize my musical talents and skills, I struggle to allow myself to live it out fully, to experience my musical creativity the way I sense it deep within my mind and body. I recently realized that the only permission I need is permission from myself. Nobody else gives a shit. It’s all me, blocking me.

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For more music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other info, please visit https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Music Production, Podcast Intro Jingle Services, Podcast production and Audio Engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Red Light Recess #1: I Needed a Break

“Red Light Coffee #1”

Life became too much to handle. I needed a break. The universe showed me it was time to take a “Red Light Recess.” Is it a break from life, or a break from reality? What’s the difference? Is it something else entirely? Is it a dent in my mind, an empty space with room only for the present moment? I do not know. I cannot know. I only know that it is all I need right now.

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For more music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other info, please visit https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Music Production, Podcast Intro Jingle Services, Podcast production and Audio Engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Ep-008, “Buy Me a Ticket”

Brian considers stopping the podcast production, and shares a newer song titled “Buy Me a Ticket” which he will be performing at an open mic.

For more music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other info, please visit https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Music Production, Podcast Intro Jingle Services, Podcast production and Audio Engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Ep-007, The Song That Won’t End

The band has not done a good job of staying motivated to produce this podcast in an organized manner. Brian practices a new chord progression and melody change for “Skeletons.” Everyone is getting tired of that song.

For more music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other info, please visit https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Music Production, Podcast Intro Jingle Services, Podcast production and Audio Engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Ep-006, Six Months Later, Fake Podcast Jingle & Other Music Talk

Brian Jost and the Eureka Point Lighthouse band try to revive the podcast after taking a six-month break.

For more music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other info, please visit https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Music Production, Podcast Intro Jingle Services, Podcast production and Audio Engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Ep-005, Others Have It Worse (Al Levin – guest blog post) & Song “Better Off In the Morning”

Brian reads another (possibly fake) letter about a real situation from “Tom” the medic who recently assisted Brian after he called 911 for a possible heart attack. Then Brian reads a real blog post titled “Others Have it Worse” written by his real friend Al Levin. The band shares a song titled “Better Off In the Morning” written by Jimmy in 2019 (OK, fine, Brian wrote it).

The blog post shared in this episode titled “Others Have it Worse” from October 11, 2021, was written by Al Levin, a life coach and mental health advocate who produces and hosts “The Depression Files” podcast. He is also an assistant principal in a public elementary school. Learn more about Al and his podcast and read more blog posts at TheDepressionFiles.com.

For more music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other info, please visit https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Podcast production and audio engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Ep-004, Meditation Distractions, Songs “Cup of Coffee” & “Ergonomics”

This episode includes a letter written to the band by “Distractible Dude” who asked about how to maintain a meditation practice and how to avoid distractions while meditating. Brian tries to answer to the best of his ability. Brian discussed meditation instruction by Andrew Archer, LICSW. See links below at the end of these show notes for more information. The band shares the songs “Cup of Coffee” (2019 by Brian Jost… or, wait, I mean Jimmy wrote that one), and “Ergonomics” (2021 by Brian Jost).

For more music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other info, please visit https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Podcast production and audio engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Listen to Andrew Archer discuss how to meditate in his podcast “The Subversive Therapist” within the episode titled “S1, Part 9, Epilogue: The Question of Meditation Practice.” Find that episode on Apple Podcasts at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/s1-part-9-epilogue-the-question-of-meditation-practice/id1583102379?i=1000533442790 or visit https://the-subversive-therapist.blubrry.net/

Ep-003, Abandoned Recovery Story, Song “God’s Apology”

Brian talks about how he became afraid to share his personal mental health recovery story after he became a parent. Brian and the band discuss positive self-talk and some of the things they have learned in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Bob’s poem “Where’s My Art” (read in episode 2) becomes a song in episode 3. This episode ends with Brian performing the song “God’s Apology.”

More music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other resources: https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Podcast production and audio engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Ep-002, Hijacked by Fear (Tornado Watch/Baseball). Song “I am Afraid.” 02/22/2023

Brian Jost shares an experience of having his mind hijacked by fear and anxiety at his son’s baseball game during a tornado watch. The “Eureka Point Lighthouse” band shares Jimmy’s song “I Am Afraid” written in January 2019. Bob shares a poem titled “Where’s My Art.” The episode ends with a song titled “I Love My Bed.” Enjoy.

More music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other resources: https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Podcast production and audio engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

Ep-001, Meet the Band. Song “Skeletons.” 02/21/2023

Brian Jost and his friends Jimmy, Bob, and Carl (the members of the band “Eureka Point Lighthouse”) welcome you to the podcast. They share the song “Skeletons” written in January 2019 during a deep depression that involved strong suicidal ideation. Mental health is clearly going to be a topic in this podcast.

More music (SoundCloud), blog posts, and other resources: https://EurekaPointLighthouse.com/

Podcast production and audio engineering services provided by Brian Jost:  https://www.inthemic.com/

SUICIDE AND CRISIS HOTLINE (phone) – Dial 988.  More info:  https://988lifeline.org/

Mental health resource (education, support, advocacy, public awareness):  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness:  https://nami.org/

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#40, “December Parties” (screenplay melody idea, draft) 12/11/2022

This is a musical screenplay melody idea for a Zen-like character who may give unwanted advice too often. Partial lyrics: “You must find your happiness inside. You must find it from within. You must try to let yourself see that there’s nothing left to win. The deeper you look inside, the further (or deeper?) you will go, and if you keep on digging, you’ll find yourself at home.”

https://soundcloud.com/brianjost/december-parties-screenplay-melody-idea-draft-12112022?si=118f58f5ae01439baad88174591894ed&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#39, Screenplay Song/Melody Idea, “Train Sounds In Winter”

Partial melody idea for musical screenplay. Scene topic idea: Character is beginning to realize he has been expecting happiness to come from others and from external life situations and that maybe his expectations won’t be met. Lyrics started. Needs lots of work.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#38, Practicing “Cup of Coffee” for 2nd Open Mic

I feel like such a fool for performing my first open mic last week. I must go back. I am planning on performing “Cup of Coffee” which comes from one of my 2009 psychiatric hospitalizations. That experience still feels like it just happened yesterday. I only recently realized that it was a traumatic experience. Trauma sticks around. Here is a rough recording from 12/04/2022…

Recorded 12/04/2022

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#37, Mission Accomplished; My First Open Mic

Brian Jost performing at Sociable Cider Werks in Minneapolis, 11/28/2022. Photo credit: Al Levin

Despite urges to give up, I performed two songs last night. DBT skills got me through this. My friend Al Levin was supportive as well, and I feel that DBT skills allowed me to let Al be supportive. Al is a life coach and mental health advocate who produces and hosts “The Depression Files” podcast. He is also an assistant principal in a public elementary school. Learn more about Al and his podcast at TheDepressionFiles.com.

I used the DBT “Cope Ahead” skill within the few days prior to the open mic. There is so much I want to say about completing my first open mic. I think for a lot of people, this would not be a big deal. For me, this was the most difficult thing I have ever done. At an early stage in my life, it may have been much easier, but my self-esteem and confidence has declined to new lows over the last decade.

About three hours before the open mic started, I began to feel nauseous. I started exercising, first on my rowing machine in the basement. Moving my whole body helped. Then I did some weight training exercises which continued to help. Time seemed to slow down the closer it got to the open mic.

I am struggling to organize my thoughts for this post.

I made a mistake. I drank too much hard cider after I played my two songs.

I would like share more about my experience of performing at my first open mic. There seems to never be enough time for me to feel relaxed about spending time working on this blog, or working on my music, or working on my screenplays. I continue to notice the dialectic of experiencing the feeling of productivity and laziness at the same time when I work on my creative projects.

Audio: My First Open on 11/28/2022. Photo credit: Al Levin

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#36, TWO DAYS Until My First Open Mic

Getting closer. Two days left. I am nervous and scared. I must do this even if my voice really sucks like I feel it does. I want to write songs, possibly for others to sing. I want to finish my musical screenplay. I want to let music fit into life. I want to not collapse or puke on stage. We’ll see.

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#35, THREE DAYS Until My First Open Mic

Resistance against sharing my musical art was strong yesterday. I was experiencing fear. I am afraid of performing. I thought about which of my DBT skills might be effective in my situation and help keep me on track with my intention of signing up in two days for the open mic in three days (my first open mic). I have a severe case of imposter syndrome and notice that I am often telling myself that I am making a mistake just by considering performing at an open mic. “You’re a fool,” I say to myself, and “You not a musician.” “You can’t sing.” “This isn’t the real you.” The list of negative statements seems infinite. I realized yesterday that I was expecting to have to contend with two specific points in time during which the resistance will have its greatest effect on me. The first will be in two days from now, Sunday, as noon approaches. That’s when registration opens. I’ve read that the lineup is usually full by 1:00 p.m. I expect that I will come up with many excuses as to why I should not register. If I can tell myself NOT to sign-up for even 30 minutes, then I will have less of a chance of being granted an eight-minute spot in the lineup for performing two songs within my desired 90-minute segment (the open mic runs from 6-11p.m. and I am planning on asking for between 6-7:30 p.m.). If I convince myself to NOT register for 60 or 90 minutes after registration opens at noon, then I will have an even greater chance of escaping the performance. Obviously, I need to have a plan for dealing with the high levels of resistance I am expecting to experience Sunday morning. Such a plan can be found within the DBT skills, called “COPE AHEAD.” I picked up my “DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets” book by Marsha M. Linehan which I keep on the floor next to my morning sitting corner in my basement and searched for the “COPE AHEAD” skill in the index. Five pages were listed throughout the book which contains over 400 pages. I wrote the page numbers in my 3rd DBT notebook and started skimming the information beginning with the lowest page number, page 256.

The first thing I read was about the “Building Mastery” and “Cope Ahead” skills. They are part of “Reducing Vulnerability to Emotion Mind – Building a Life Worth Living” section which begins on page 247 in my 2015 second edition book. There are eight DBT skills in this section which suggests the use of the acronym  ABC PLEASE to help remember them (letters “P” and “L” refer to a single skill). I thought I would focus on the “C,” but instead, I began reading from the beginning about the “A,” Accumulate Positive Emotions. I wrote notes as I read about focusing on both short- and long-term experiences that will help me feel better. Doing things that are possible now helps me to feel good in the moment. The long-term focus is about making changes in my life so that positive events will happen more often in the future. The statement mentioned in this part of the book and which I heard repeated over and over throughout my DBT experience is “Build a life worth living.”

I moved on to “Build Mastery” which focuses on doing things that make me feel competent and effective to combat helplessness and hopelessness.

Then came the “Cope Ahead” skill to deal with future emotional situations. This is about rehearsing a plan ahead of time in order to get through an emotionally challenging situation. I’m not going to get into the PLEASE skills which are all about taking care of your mind by taking care of you body, as I was focused on “Cope Ahead” yesterday.

[I’m pausing my report about my use of “Cope Ahead” yesterday and may continue later in this post or within a future post.]

When I woke this morning I felt dread regarding my plan to perform at my first open mic in three days. I asked myself why I was planning on performing and noticed a helpful response. I am trying to share a story about mental health. In some ways it will be similar to what I already know how to do and what I have done for many years. In other ways it will be very different and a new experience. The goal is to educate, inspire, and entertain people. I think I can do that. If I remember that my songs are each potentially one small piece of a larger story, then I may feel better about sharing them with both loved ones and with strangers.

I just had a realization at this moment of typing that I need my wife Sarah to be with me at the open mic in three days. My friend Al will be joining me. I was thinking of asking my neighbor Rick if he would like to join us. Until this moment, I had not been wanting Sarah to be there. I am very uncomfortable with her hearing my music. I am uncomfortable with her seeing me trying to be myself. I feel like I have built a delicate fake appearance of a happy family life so others will feel more comfortable as they falsely believe I am OK. I am not OK though and it comes out through my music. I am afraid to let Sarah into that part of what I feel and experience. I have realized recently in life that the things I am afraid of are most likely the most important parts of my life to place my focus. I am avoiding letting Sarah know more about my music and desire to have music play a larger role in my life.

If Sarah comes with me to the open mic, we will need help with our kids Monday evening. They both have basketball practice at different times, and it is our night to pick up our daughter’s friend on the way to practice.

I am afraid of making Sarah uncomfortable. I feel like she will think I have a horrible voice and she will feel embarrassed for me, and she will be afraid that I am going to regret performing my music. Or maybe that’s just me thinking I have a horrible voice and me feeling embarrassed even before I perform and me experiencing regret in advance of the performance. My mind is a twisted mess, and it feels like it gets more twisted as the years pass.

I want to leave. I want to leave everything and everyone. I want to feel content. I want to feel like I don’t want to leave. I want to feel like I would like to stay. I want to want less. I want so much, and so much of what I want involves great change and if I get what I want, I will likely still want more. The wanting is ruining my life. I don’t know how to want what I already have. I have no good ending for this blog post. I need to try to shift my focus to my job of podcast production.

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#33, FIVE DAYS Until My First Open Mic!

My practice session yesterday was rushed and therefore minimally effective. I’m not sure if I will have an empty home today for practicing. I can’t bring myself to sing at home when my family is around. Why am I claiming that I will be performing my first open mic session in five days when I can’t even let my family hear me sing? I don’t know why.

Or I do know. My self esteem has dropped to a personal record low level. I don’t understand what’s happening with my urges to create and share music. I keep thinking and feeling that I will be helping educate people about mental health through my music and other forms of performance art. I fantasize about writing a musical play for kids to perform. I have been writing seemingly disconnected parts of a screenplay, and maybe some of those pieces are for a kids’ story, but when I write what I think is a script, I typically envision it as being a movie for adults. I’m not sure what I am making. It flows out of me or though me and it feels like it will become part of something, but I do not know what that something is yet.

It’s frustrating because when I write I feel like I am being incredibly productive, yet at the same time I feel like I am wasting time and being lazy because I am not making money that my family needs. I am working a little bit by producing podcasts for other people, but I purposely do not take on many projects because I want to make sure I have time to write and play music. What’s my point? I do not know.

I hope I can practice today for my FIRST OPEN MIC coming up in FIVE DAYS! I am expecting to experience an enormous amount of resistance the day prior to the open mic, and even more on the day of the open mic. I must follow through. I need to do this for me. I need to do this to move forward with my desire to let music play a larger role in my life.

Writing songs is hard work and I love it. When I write music and work on improving a song, I feel closer to belonging in this world. Most days I feel like an alien. I am tired of feeling like my life is not even close to being aligned with my purpose and life force.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am not looking forward to being in a crowded house. I feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t look forward to family gatherings. I have no coherent message to share with you. Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have written and posted this bit of nonsense. Have a good day. Smile. Be happy. Do something today that you like doing.

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#32, Six Days Until My First Open Mic

Resistance against my urge to share my music was strong yesterday. I lost nearly all confidence and almost believed that I am making a mistake by planning on performing at an open mic for the first time in my life six days from now. I have noted that I am telling myself that I am a fool to spend time preparing for performing because it is a waste of time to focus on my music. I will practice today and I will keep my plan of performing in six days on November 28, 2022. I need to do this. I will not die with my music still inside me.

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#31, Seven Days Until My First Open Mic. Recording of practice this morning.

My first open mic is coming up soon. Here is a recording of this morning’s practice of two songs, “I am Afraid,” and “Skeletons.” I typed the lyrics to“Skeletons” to help me learn the them. I may do the same with skeletons, although it’s just the end of Skeletons that often get wrong. I seem to mess up just about anywhere in “I am Afraid.”

Lyrics to “I am Afraid” (Written January 2019 by Brian Jost)

I am afraid of everything.
I am afraid to let me sing.
I am afraid, I am afraid of you.
I am afraid to be myself.
I am afraid to stop my meds.
I am afraid that I may have to leave.
Look at the way the world is now.
How can we expect to be OK?
I am afraid I found my voice.
I am afraid to make my choice.
I am afraid, I am afraid of now.
I am afraid of climate change.
I am afraid to go to work.
I am afraid, I afraid of life.
Look at the way we fucked things up.
Why should I hope we’ll get it right?
Look at the way the world is now.
How can we expect to be OK?
All I want is another chance to get things right, just one more try.
All I want, all I want, all I want is another try.
I am afraid I have no choice.
The time has come to sing to you,
and look into your eyes from above.
I am afraid to write the words,
that are tearing my heart apart.
I am afraid to be myself.
Look at the chance that we have now
to come together and be one.
Look at the way we could get it right
if only we could open up our minds.
All we need is to get it right this one last try.
All we need, all we need, all we need is to get it right.

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#30, Eight Days Until My First Open Mic

My first open mic is coming up in eight days on Monday November 28, 2022. The registration opens the day prior at noon and it fills up quickly, I believe within about an hour. The open mic where I will perform is at Sociable Cider in northeast Minneapolis, not far from home. My friend Al Levin will be joining me. This will be my open-mic performance anywhere. I attended one open-mic at Sociable Cider just to observe the space and people. I spoke with two of the performers that evening. They both made me feel like there is a welcoming community of performers there. It feels like a safe place to start.

I am afraid to perform and “I am Afraid” will be my first song I play at the open mic, followed by “Skeletons.” I will set my voice free in eight days. I will finally be on my musical journey. It feels like it will be my first baby step towards “building a life worth living,” a term that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), about which I would like to share more with you at some point.

I have started to share small pieces of my DBT experience in my podcast which is a bit of a disaster. I’m not quite sure where I am going with the podcast. I have recorded many potential episodes, most of which I have decided don’t fit my goals and purpose of podcasting. Many first episodes have been recorded and left to collect digital dust, seemingly lost forever in the digital maze of folders and files on a hard drive somewhere in my collection of music, writings, poems, screenplays, etc. It’s such a mess. There is so much information that I don’t know how to organize or use in any final format that will be shareable. My latest attempt at recording podcast episodes is to simply record myself practicing playing and singing my songs as I prepare myself for the upcoming open mic. It’s a weak podcast format, but that is OK with me because I know the format will change as I put more time and effort into the production.

I used my latest recording of “I am Afraid” and “Skeletons” to create a one-hour audio file of those two songs repeating back-to-back for me to listen to as I attempt to memorize the lyrics. The songs in the initial form came to me nearly four years ago in January 2019. “I am Afraid” has not changed much, if at all since I wrote it. “Skeletons” on the other hand, has changed a lot. The initial lyrics and melody are all still in the song, but I have added a lot to “Skeletons” including a bridge and a new ending. “Skeletons” took a lot of work, or maybe I should say it is taking a lot of work because I am not sure it is finished. Maybe playing at the open mic will help me understand if the songs are finished.

I have been wanting to play at an open mic for years and have been too afraid to try until now. I am still afraid and quite nervous, but something has shifted with my perspective in the last couple of days. I am not quite sure what has happened. Positive self-talk has been helping. Also, I told my fried Al Levin that I wanted to play at the open mic, and he is planning on attending which will be supportive. He knows all about my mental health challenges and knows that I am afraid and nervous. In addition, I told my wife that I am planning on playing at the open mic and she reacted with excitement which was encouraging. I wasn’t sure how she would react. I am always afraid to share my music with her.

Being afraid of performing feels a little strange to me. I have been in front of many audiences as a public speaker. I have shared my personal story of living with bipolar disorder with many audiences, some as large as 500 people. Prior to most public speaking engagements, I would experience fear and nervousness, but it never stopped me from doing what I needed to do. I was good at it. I had a clear purpose and mission for sharing my story. Doing so helped other people to feel a little bit more OK with the idea of talking about their own struggles or feel better about trying to help their loved one who is struggling with a mental illness. Lately, I have come closer to an understanding that I may be able to continue this work through my music and writing, including writing a screenplay that has caused much confusion in my mind. If I keep the mindset that I am helping people by being vulnerable and sharing my life experiences through my music, I think I will be OK as I take the stage in eight days. I can do it. I know I can. However, I still feel fear.

One line of lyrics in “Skeletons” is “It’s time to meet my new friend fear.” Keeping that idea up front in my mess of thoughts will be important to help me follow through with registering for the open mic. It’s possible to show up to the open mic as a walk-in and have about a 50/50 chance of being given some time, but probably just one song. I feel strongly that I want to perform two songs as “I am Afraid” feels appropriate for my first open mic, and “Skeletons” feels like a deeper dive into what my other music may be about and feels more moving to me as it touches on suicidal ideation as well as hope for a better future. Now that I think about it, both songs end with some hope for a better future.

That’s all for now. I must move on to other responsibilities and activities. Smile, even if it is forced. Think of something good. Picture something beautiful. Have hope for a great day and an even greater tomorrow.

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#29.5, Screenplay song/melody idea, draft, “Can You Give Me Anything?”

This may fit into my screenplay. I’m hearing this melody as part of a duet between the protagonist seeker and another character who has the power to grant wishes. This recording is just the first spark of inspiration.

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#28, More “Skeletons”

I thought I posted this earlier, but I can’t find it, so here it is. Another version of “Skeletons” with some new lyrics and different ending (I think). I hate my voice. I want someone else to sing this.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#27, “Forgot About Math,” rough idea for screenplay

Here’s another rough idea for a scene in my screenplay that I will never finish. This one just popped up this morning. Lyrics will be about a parent struggling to help their kid with their math homework.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#26, Oops I got COVID, “Don’t Mess With Me” (DRAFT)

Yep, 3/4 of my family got COVID recently. I have something else to say, but I just ran out of time. Here is a short unfinished draft piece of shit part of my unfinished musical screenplay, as if that is a real thing and not just part of my imagination.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#25 Music idea, “Kid’s Sportsball”

Yeah, I don’t know what this is really. I was stressed out after a lot of my kids’ sporting events happening today. I decided to focus on making some music. I gave myself an hour to come up with something and this is it. Loopy. Loopy doopy.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#24 Song idea, “Fall In Time”

Just another quick idea that popped into my head this morning. This is what happens in the morning. The combo of synth strings and voice “ahhhs” represent vocals in my mind with some lyrics started. I will probably never finish this. New song ideas are easy to hear every day, especially in the morning. I don’t know what to do with all of my ideas. I start them like this recording, then never go back. They mean something to me, but I can’t seem to make the time to finish them or put them together with anything else to make something bigger. I don’t even understand why I am sharing this. I guess it makes me feel like I accomplished something, but I wonder if I am sharing because I want to prove to people that I am not a lazy piece of shit. I don’t know.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#23, Each Begets the Value of the Day

Occasionally during meditation, I seem to receive a message from somewhere outside of my own mind. This has only happened six times (I think) in the last 12 to 18 months. Each time I heard a message, I had been in a state of complete calm, lacking any hint of even a single thought. In addition, each time, I had been meditating between 45 and 60 minutes at the point of receiving a message. I’m not sure if “message” is the most accurate term available to describe what I heard. They may be more appropriately called “statements.” Apparently I have given meaning to the statements which could be responsible for me thinking they are messages. Without sifting through my notebooks which refence the dates of receiving each of the messages individually, I can not recall which message came first, although I think I know what the first two messages were. One of the first two messages or statements I heard was “Each begets the value of the day.” Upon hearing this, I wasn’t sure if it was a voice that I heard or a thought that I noticed. I opened my eyes, possibly as if to see if someone was there with me. I did not know the meaning of the word “beget” and wasn’t even sure if I had ever heard it before, so I promptly looked up the meaning online. Yes, I would agree with the message I heard that day.

It felt like a reminder to take action, to make a plan for being productive, to not waste my days feeling disorganized and confused. It fit well with the other of the first two messages which stated, “Gather the pieces together.” Again, I wasn’t sure if it was a voice or a thought, but either way, I was certain that it was not coming from my own mind. It felt as if someone was placing information inside my head or giving me a directive. It was clear to me that I was supposed to be organizing my massive collection of creative work which includes a mess of writing and music, almost none of which is finished and all of which seems somehow connected to each other, yet impossibly far away at the same time. My general sense about this body of work is that it will become something bigger than myself, possibly as complicated as a TV series. I have many pieces of the work in screenplay form with the help of Final Draft software, while many other pieces are simply written in notebooks or in MS Word docs. Then there is the music, the unfinished songs, which I sense are trying to glue all the bits of the story together, but I haven’t been able to understand how all these parts are supposed to all fit together.

I have yet to “gather the pieces together.” I am overwhelmed by the mess and where to begin. There are too many notebooks, too many folders and files on my laptop, too many external hard-drives, too many back-ups of documents that may or may not be named properly, just simply too much of a mess for me to make sense of. I don’t know how to organize it. That’s not surprising, as I don’t know how to organize much of anything in my life. I’m confident that one of my mental health struggles is ADHD, although that has not been officially diagnosed. It is clear to me that ADHD has been negatively affecting my life for many, many years, probably my entire adult life.

I’ve never had much luck organizing anything in my physical environment. Within the digital world, I have had limited success with organization, such as keeping emails and digital files well organized while employed at NAMI Minnesota (National Alliance on Mental Illness) for several years, and when I was able to organize my 2010 memoir. I don’t know how I did it. I recall a sense of purpose that guided my organization with that writing project.

When it comes to my desire to straighten out my mess of words and music, I don’t know where to begin. Each time I look through an old notebook filled with random thoughts and ideas I somehow feel that it fits somewhere yet I have no idea where to put it. Part of the problem is that there is nowhere to “put it.” These notebooks keep growing in number. I continue to fill the last page of new notebooks, each time thinking “when did I write all of that?” I find myself wishing I had typed all of the words instead of writing them on paper because I tend to think it is easier to move the digital pieces around than the physical notebooks and sheets of paper, but for me, it isn’t easier.

The digital mess is just as daunting as the physical mess. When I open a document that I haven’t visited for a long time, the same thing happens. I don’t know where to put it. I don’t know what to do with it, so I close it with a heavy sense of dread and loss. I think about dying with all my unfinished work never reaching anyone. What a waste that would be. There is that saying about not dying with your music still inside you. That’s what it feels like will happen to me, literally. It’s not just words that capture ideas and thoughts, it is real music that I have written and recorded, although most of it feels unfinished. It seems likely that my music may die when I die because I will likely never find a way to organize my mess that is my life. This leaves me feeling lost.

What would I do if I was lost in the real world, perhaps in a forest? I suppose if I were walking when I realized I was lost, the first thing I would do is stop. If it were daytime, I would look for a hint of direction from the sun. Hopefully it would be a clear day with no clouds blocking my view of the star closest to Earth. I may need patience if the sun appeared to be directly overhead as I would wait for apparent movement to show me direction. I would also look for higher ground from which to gain a new perspective. Hopefully I would be able to see either where I came from or where I needed to go, and possibly both. This act of stopping, asking the sun for information, and looking off in the distance to gain a sense of direction reminds me or meditation.

When I meditate, I start by stopping. I stop my body. I simply sit still. I close my eyes and I sit still. When I remember to do so, I begin focusing on my breath which helps me see how tense and anxious I am most of the time. Then I notice all the unwanted thoughts and I begin using imagery to let those thoughts leave my mind. Then I look to a higher level of energy (this could be called a higher power, I suppose) to show me a glimpse of purpose of direction. When I am patient and allow myself to practice meditation in a way that works for me, I usually reach a point of clarity, although often nothing spectacular. Sometimes it is simply a sense of which task is most important for me to accomplish that day or week. Other times it is a realization of what is lacking in my life, or what it is I need to let go of. Occasionally it is an understanding that although I usually feel out of place in this world, I more accurately belong right where I am now, and that I will always be where and when I belong. Meditation helps me see and understand my world and helps me make sense of where to place my focus and energy to live an effective life of purpose and meaning. Meditation helps me understand that I need to take action to achieve results, and that ultimately it is I who needs to decide what to do next. Meditation has literally allowed me to understand that “each begets the value of the day.” I suspect that if I am patient, meditation will also help me understand how to “gather the pieces together.”

– Brian Jost

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#22, Baseball Practice & My Messy World

It’s all in my head. All the thoughts I want to share are in my head and there are too many. Everything is a mess. Everywhere I look around my home, I see piles and stacks of stuff, disorganized boxes and bins, papers, lots of papers. I can’t stay organized. I guess I can’t even get organized in the first place. I keep too many things that I don’t need. Everything is a mess, physically, in the space around me in every room of my home, in the garage, in the backyard, in my cars. It’s all messy.

The mess is in my head too. I can’t organize my thoughts. I can’t focus. I get distracted quickly and easily. I have several book ideas, screenplay ideas, song ideas, all of which I know could be a productive use of my time to create, but I don’t know how to focus on one idea. I chip away at the different ideas piece by piece in a random order based on the thoughts that show up at any given moment. Nothing gets finished. It is completely ineffective, and I don’t know how to change the way I operate.

When I started typing this blog post, I intended to write about how I stayed at my 11-year-old son’s baseball practice last night and helped the coaches with batting drills. I meant to reflect on how I used “opposite action” or “opposite to emotion action” (I can’t remember exactly what it is called) from my experience with DBT. I didn’t want to go because of all the usual reasons…social anxiety, shame, feeling unworthy, wanting to stay at home and hide from the world, depression, general anxiety…all the same shit that stops me from doing everything that I could be doing to be a more effective person. However, before I started typing on this topic, I got distracted by something. I don’t even know what it was now, and that was about 90 minutes ago.

Whatever the initial distraction was, it led me down an internet rabbit hole as I searched for musicians in the Minneapolis area who I might collaborate with on a music project. I have a bunch of songs that I want to share, and I am too afraid to put them out into the world because I think I am a shitty singer and because I lack the confidence to claim that I am a musician. I think I am more of a songwriter. I want to find musicians to play my songs. That way, if a song is shared, it will be because I have finished writing it and someone else thought it was worthy of producing, and maybe that means it’s OK to share. I don’t know what I mean. Anyway,

I started searching for local musicians who lived with mental illnesses because I want to collaborate with someone who understands the world of mental health and the challenges of pursuing a life of “recovery,” whatever that means. Pretty quickly, 90 minutes passed, and I hadn’t really accomplished anything. My mind has been spinning, racing through thoughts of all the things that need to be done around home, some of the tasks I need to accomplish for my freelance podcast production work, doctor appointments happening today and next week, my son’s busy baseball schedule, my daughter’s even busier softball schedule, her piano and gymnastics lessons, new windows being installed in our house sometime soon and how I don’t know when exactly that will be and it is stressing me out, how my body hurts…like every joint (especially my back, hips, and feet), and on and on. There is constantly too much that needs to be done and I don’t know how to feel OK about it.

Although I don’t have an official diagnosis of ADHD, I feel confident that I fit the criteria to have that diagnosis (as if a ton of depression within bipolar type-1 with a ton of anxiety isn’t enough). One of my recent psychiatrists told me to ignore my curiosity about ADHD because I would not be able to take any medication for it. She said it was all stimulants that could trigger a manic episode. I schedule a test anyway…an ADHD eval or a screening…what it is called. It was a long test, and I didn’t finish it. I was put in a room by myself, answering a huge packet of questions, and I became very anxious and overwhelmed and I left without finishing. I couldn’t focus on the test that might tell me if I have trouble focusing. Interesting. So, I don’t know what to do about it.

I feel like I have wasted my morning. I woke at 4:15 a.m.  It is now about 6:30 and I will be waking my kids at 6:45, then busy with them until they get on the school bus at 8:50. I am depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, and I don’t want to deal with anything today. I need some positivity in my head. I’ll find it somewhere. That may be easy at this point, as I have a recording of some positive self-talk statements that I am going to listen to right now. Bye. I wonder how many typos and grammatical errors are in this post. I want to check, but I don’t want to check.

– Brian Jost

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Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#21. “Skeletons” – Latest version, new vocals, key change, mixed 02/10/2022

A battle with suicidal ideation. Lyrics and music by Brian Jost. “Skeletons” was written in January 2019. Recorded by Brian Jost.

Lyrics:

Hanging like I do, it’s every day. Waking up repeating what I say. I feel it now. I feel it coming my way. It’s time to toss out the skeletons.

Jumping out the window to be free. Crawling out of my skin until I jump. One foot is dangling. One foot feeling the wind. I’ve felt this way for far too long.

It’s time to toss out the skeletons. It’s time to toss out every last one. It’s time to toss out the skeletons. It’s time to finally be done.

I can’t wait to leave this world and finally move on. I can’t wait to leave this world, I know I don’t belong.

No one has the answer, I am sure. Certainly, I know of just one cure. But I’m afraid of what my kids will think. It’s time to pull myself up by the bootstraps.

That’s a line of bull-shit, it won’t work. But you might hear that one from a jerk. They don’t know better, so it is hard to blame them. I’d like to punch them in the face anyway.

It’s time to toss out the skeletons. It’s time to toss out every last one. It’s time to toss out the skeletons. It’s time to finally be done.

There’s got to be a way to somehow set me free. I’m so god damned tired of thinking about the end of me. There’s got to be a way to turn this all around. I’m so tired of not wanting to be around. There’s got to be a way to somehow let me be killing a big part of me without killing me. There’s got to be a way to turn this all around. I’m so tired. I’m so tired now.

It’s time to toss out the skeletons. It’s time to toss out every last one. It’s time to toss out the skeletons. It’s time to finally be done.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#17. Song idea, “New Basketball Hoop” by Brian Jost (2021)

This is a bit of a song idea from March of 2021 “New Basketball Hoop” (because Brian was thinking about replacing his kids’ basketball hoop which did happen in the spring). It’s another quick recording to capture a possible melody. Possible lyrics below. This will probably become something very different or fit into something else that Brian is working on. Who knows? Brian does not want me to share this. Too bad. Here it is.

Lyric ideas:

I don’t want tomorrow to come to me today
I don’t want yesterday to haunt the rest of my days
I can’t live tomorrow if I want to live today.
I can’t live today, if I’m stuck on yesterday.
I can’t fix tomorrow if I don’t fix today.
I can’t fix tomorrow if I’m stuck living yesterday.
I can’t live forever, so I will live for today.
I can’t stop the terror, and I can’t stop the dread.
I can’t interrupt this fatal error in my head.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#16. (Ridiculous) Song “Chunky Monkey” by Olive Jost and Brian Jost (2019?)

(Ridiculous) song “Chunky Monkey” – Began as a poem written by Brian Jost’s 8-year-old daughter Olive. Music and vocals by Brian Jost (2019?).

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#15. HORRIBLE recording, another partial version of “Skeletons” (2020?) by Brian Jost

This must be embarrassing for Brian. Here is a short piece of another version of Brian Jost’s song “Skeletons.” It will never be finished. Brian will never get it right. He will never be able to sing the song the way he hears it in his head. If he knew what was best for him, he would give up now, call it quits, realize he has no true musical talents, skills, or abilities. Brian is a fool to be wasting time on this song or any of his music. I feel sorry for him. What a loser. And why, why, why does he keep trying?

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#14. Song “Try Hard” (unfinished melody idea for screenplay, Feb. 2021) by Brian Jost

There is a loud voice in Brian’s mind that is telling him to NOT share this or any of his ideas related to writing, music, screenplays, etc. It seems pretty clear that the voice is coming from a place of wisdom, because what you are about to read is obviously a bunch of incomplete nonsense. Maybe Brian should listen to that judgmental voice more often instead of fighting it and purposely sharing something like this blog post despite knowing that anyone who reads it will think he is a crazy freak who is “less” than others because of his mental illness. Whatever.

Brian is supposedly writing a musical screenplay, and he has around 50 song ideas started. He recorded this partial song idea (“Try Hard”) to capture the melody in his head. Brian thinks he recorded it in February of 2021 and found a note that he had initially titled the song “Long Cold February.” That is probably how he feels about any February in Minnesota…too long and too cold. Yes, even the shortest month of the year is too long for Brian. His gigantic sun-lamp works hard in the winter, especially the last half of the season. Around mid-January is when Brian typically begins feeling a deeper level of winter depression. February is typically worse than January. Anyway… here is Brian now, posting this song idea about a year after it came to him. Some of the lyrical ideas are below (none in the recording in this video…just the music, mainly to hear the melody).  

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#13. Song “Skeletons” (Again, old version, partial, 177 bpm, 2020?) by Brian Jost

Here it is again, another part of the “Skeletons” puzzle (see/hear also song posts #5, #9, #11, #15, and #21 with different versions of the song). This recording is from near the beginning of Brian trying to make sense of how it should sound. He continues to hear the song in his head with a variety of tempos and chord progressions, although most version of the song have been based on the D and A-chords. In this rough recording, Brian used two mics with one of them running through a vocoder to help hide his own voice a bit because he has zero confidence in his ability to sing and he doesn’t feel good about sharing his music, especially on a publicly available platform such as this blog. After Brian publishes a song here, he finds himself thinking “What the fuck did I just do?!” He knows that anyone who listens to his music will be reassured that he is crazy and delusional. Brian fears that nobody will understand that he is able to finish any of his songs and record them properly and create something beautiful. He seems to never have enough time to finish any of his musical projects. It’s mostly just quick and rough recordings with little of no editing. He feels like an imposter, a fraud, as he sits on his throne of lies (he took that “throne of lies” comment from the movie “Elf” – Brian’s kids love that line).

Brian wishes he had more time to write for his blog. There is so much on his mind that he wants to share, mostly about mental health and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#12. Song “Good Morning Everybody” (2020) with vocals by Olive Jost, music by Brian Jost

Brian’s daughter Olive sings “Good Morning Everybody” to those who are reading the blog and listening to this song in the morning.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#11. SUICIDE AND THE NEW YEAR. Song “Skeletons” (Alternate – key and pitch change, chords: B-F#-G#) Recorded 2021 (Original 2019) by Brian Jost

This is another possible version of the song “Skeletons” (see link at bottom of post) by Brian Jost (initial song idea composed in January 2019). It’s based on a different chord progression and a much higher voice than he is used to singing. It’s a very rough take and far from finished. The song is missing a lot, like a chorus and bridge, as well as a more positive ending. Brian composed and recorded this version of “Skeletons” likely in September or October of 2021.

SUICIDE AND THE NEW YEAR. The following post was written by Brian Jost over a year ago on 01/01/2021 and posted on this blog on 01/09/2022).

A first-person perspective by Brian Jost:

Silence and isolation have been my close friends for far too long.  I welcome them both when I am depressed and anxious over my personal battle with guilt and shame concerning my daily thoughts of suicide.  Although I have shared publicly for years that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 in 2005, I have only touched extremely lightly on the topic of suicide as it has affected me.  Somehow, I have found admitting that I have a mental illness relatively simple (not to be confused with “easy”) but admitting that I have lived with daily thoughts of suicide for most of my adult life (I’m 45 as I write this) feels much more complicated and embarrassing.  I wish it wasn’t that way.  I wish everyone who experiences thoughts of suicide could share it easily with whomever they need to share it with. 

When I find myself playing with my young kids, laughing, having fun, but at the same time noticing my desire to leave this world, I quickly and easily think I am broken.  I start feeling weak.  I feel ashamed that I am not a stronger husband and father.  I feel guilty for having kids who I may not be able to raise to adulthood.  I feel far less than whole.  Despite these self-defeating feelings, I somehow carry on and continue to live even during the days when I can only handle the next 60 seconds repeatedly until the minutes finally pile up enough to bring me to sleep.  I do my best to think at night that tomorrow will be better, but that’s often not an easy thought to think.  I tell myself “Good job for surviving this day” and “I will be able to handle tomorrow.”  Then “I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.” That children’s’ story about the little train engine who had to think its way up the big hill finds its way into my thoughts often. 

Since last spring I have been trying to answer a question that I was asked from a former colleague at NAMI Minnesota (National Alliance on Mental Illness) with whom I shared the fact that I live with almost daily thoughts of suicide.  Her question was simply “How do you do it?  How do we tell others to do it?”  I couldn’t answer her at the time.  I wasn’t sure how I was managing.  Then months later during a productive moment of purposeful introspection, I had a much needed “EUREKA!” moment in which felt I instantly knew the answer.  Although the answer appeared simple to me, I have been trying to sort it out in writing and it is not ready to share.  My answer keeps getting longer and more complicated as I work on organizing it in a way that I believe will be worth sharing. 

My second book is on its way to provide this answer.  It is my answer, my way of living with thoughts of suicide that may never completely disappear.  It is my hope that my answer may help others.  I’m tired of my silence.  I’m tired of pretending to be “normal” when I know I’m not.  I’m tired of feeling ashamed for having a mind that is less healthy than many other minds.  I am tired of bipolar disorder.  I am tired of depression.  I am tired of anxiety (general, social, situational…whatever form it may take).  I am tired of fearing another manic episode and hospitalization, even though it’s been over 10 years since experiencing either.  I am tired of struggling with what is likely attention deficit disorder.  I am tired of not being able to trust myself when I feel good or happy (that’s me fearing that I’m getting manic).  I am tired of medication.  I am tired of ignoring the truth when asked “How are you?”  I am tired, so very tired, but I am not ready to rest. 

Suicides are on the rise and there is still so much work to be done to decrease the increasing rates that appear to be out of control.  I have a lot to say about it.  I used to speak a lot about it publicly, sharing my personal recovery story, giving hope to people by being open about my struggles and sharing what has worked for me.  I reached a point when it all felt too confusing and overwhelming.  I quit my job at NAMI Minnesota (National Alliance on Mental Illness) this past summer of 2019 after over seven years on staff plus three additional years volunteering before being hired.  A decade of intense involvement with NAMI has given me a perspective on mental illness that I feel I need to share with the world.  I know my message isn’t truly for everyone, but something inside me is urging me to yell loud and clear that there is a better way for all of us to look at mental illnesses.  There is a better way to do a lot of what is being done in the world.  There is a better way.  With that thought in mind, I somewhat reluctantly but openly welcome the new year. 

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#10. (Ridiculous) Song “Nursery Rhymes, ABC’s” by Brian Jost. Red-Light Coffee Dance #10

This “song” (is it really a song?) is ridiculous. Brian Jost was attempting to entertain his kids. It worked, and it was ridiculous. Vocals recorded 04/12/2019. The background music previously titled “Backyard” (see blog post #8) before it became ridiculous.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#9. “Skeletons” (full song, 12/05/2021, new ending) by Brian Jost

Suicide and suicidal ideation are the foundation of the song, “Skeletons.” Brian tried to end the song on a positive note. This is about NOT giving up.

“Skeletons” was written by Brian Jost in January of 2019 during concerning period of depression that included a lot of suicidal ideation. Thoughts of suicide were not new to Brian, as they had been visiting him for most of his adult life (maybe 20 years?…it’s difficult to know with certainty). Something was different though during the winter of 2018/2019, especially January and February of 2019. To Brian, the possibility of suicide became inevitable. For the first time, he felt and believed that suicide was the one and only way he would die at some point in the future. He had no plan for suicide, however, he began noticing an available means to complete suicide and urges to develop a plan.

Brian plans on writing much more about the song “Skeletons” and about the darkness he experienced during that difficult winter, as well as how he climbed out of that darkness. In fact, he has already written a lot about it, but it is mostly hand-written in notebooks and he has not yet made it a priority to type it into a blog post or elsewhere. Stay tuned for more.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#8. Music, “Backyard” (2019) by Brian Jost

Music or song? This one is music (Title: “Backyard,” created likely around March 2019). This piece of music shows up again in blog post #10 (The ridiculous nursery rhyme ABCs song). No lyrics. Instrumental?…sort of. There is a bit of acoustic guitar, but the rest was played with a keyboard, electronic, midi running through a DAW (Steinberg Cubase). Brian considers the percussion to be “fake.” He did not play any percussion instrument in this recording. Rather, he programmed percussion patterns inside Cubase. Brian enjoys playing around with various percussion sounds and programming unique patterns. He also enjoys playing a real drum set. Brian’s acoustic drum set is currently stored at his parents’ house. He recently acquired and began playing an electric drum set which is smaller than his acoustic drum set (same number of drums, and one more cymbal), and it fits nicely in his tiny home “studio.”

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#7.5, DBT Update #1, January 5, 2022

Brian skipped DBT group yesterday because he felt too busy and did not make the appointment a priority in his life. Group starts at 10:05 a.m. Tuesday mornings. Yesterday, after Brian dropped off his kids at school around 9:10 a.m., he drove straight to Target to return an iPad case that did not fit his wife’s iPad. He purchased wild rice, deodorant, one of his prescribed medications meant to help with his mood and sleep, two backpacks for his kids, one birthday present for his daughter, and another iPad case. Instead of buying all of that, his plan was to just return the iPad case and purchase his meds, and then leave the store and get back home in time for his DBT group meeting. He got distracted.

As Brian was standing in line at the pharmacy inside Target, he realized how difficult he finds it to make time to do an errand such as this. He couldn’t help but think he should try to buy those additional shopping items even if it meant being late for DBT group. He left the store at 10:01 a.m., four minutes before group would start. He was going to be more than just a little late. He decided to skip the whole group, so he emailed the group facilitators notifying them of his plan. He also announced that he would not be able to keep his Thursday (now tomorrow as this is typed) DBT individual therapy appointment at 9:00 a.m. because he would be busy with driving his kids to school, a recent change in his routine. Blame COVID.

Brian is afraid of his kids riding the bus as the Omicron COVID variant is spreading quickly. The bus is packed with kids. The windows are closed. The bus driver wears his mask low with his nose exposed. Brian plans on driving his kids to school and picking them up after school the rest of this week and next week, and perhaps longer than that.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#7. Song, “Ergonomics” (2019) by Brian Jost

In this song titled “Ergonomics,” Brian used his own voice as the primary instrument. He doesn’t remember why he titled it “Ergonomics.”

Brian woke up late this morning after going to bed late last night. He has DBT group today at 10:00 a.m. and he really doesn’t want to attend. He would rather work on his book and music. He would rather work on this website/blog. He needs to add links to his memoir and other work. He would rather meditate.

At this moment, as Brian is typing this post, he notices his chest feels tight. His breathing is shallow, nearly non-existent. Brian’s jaw is clenched. He feels panic taking over his mind as realizes there are too many tasks to be completed today. He does not have time to complete all of the tasks. DBT group will take two hours out of his day (a little longer considering the time it takes to setup and cleanup a work space and computer to connect remotely to the group).

Damn…Brian ran out of time to finish this post. He has much more on his mind. By for now. Thank you for visiting.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#6. Song “I Love My Bed” (2018) by Brian Jost

Brian titled this song “I Love My Bed.” He has no memory of creating this song or what it was about his bed that apparently had him feeling so affectionate towards it that he would decide to name a song after it. Brian created this “song” (Is it really a song or just a short repeating melody?) in November 2018. There are no lyrics to this music, no singing, no vocals whatsoever. This may not make sense, but Brian tends to this of this recording as “music” whereas he thinks of lyrical recordings as “songs.” He is no expert and doesn’t even know why he thinks that way. It probably has something to do with his fear of sharing music and the way he hides behind his “hobbyist” approach of creating music. Brian creates music for his own enjoyment and as a way to release and examine some of his thoughts, feelings, and emotions. He feels that he never finishes any of his songs. There seems to always be something left to change or fix or finish. That idea is part of what keeps him from sharing his music. This blog is partly an exercise in sharing. Brian is forcing himself to share recordings, most of which he has not shared with anyone, not even his wife or kids. He is feeling quite vulnerable by doing so, and he is doing it anyway. As he has learned through DBT, he is practicing “opposite action” to fear. It’s the “doing it despite the fear” that he wants to make a habit. He feels the need to share what he has created and he feels the need to do so despite his fear.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#5. Song: “Skeletons” (partial for melody idea, no vocals, 2019) by Brian Jost

This is part of an unfinished song titled “Skeletons” written by Brian Jost. The “real” recordings of the song include vocals by Brian Jost and acoustic guitar as the primary instrument. The version you hear in this video is part of at least 49 different melodies that Brian may be including in a musical screenplay (perhaps it will be performed on-stage) or audiobook filled with music. This quick recording is an example of how Brian captures some of the musical ideas that show up in his head every day.

Brian is hesitant to share this recording as it is nothing like what the finished will sound like. He has also recorded about 20 versions of “Skeletons” that are closer to complete with multiple verses, chorus, and bridge. He is afraid to let people hear him sing and afraid in general about sharing his music. Brian is considering hiring an experienced vocalist to sing “Skeletons” to accompany his own guitar playing (likely along with Brian’s amateur piano/keyboard skills).

The beginning lyrics for “Skeletons” are:

“Hanging like I do, it’s every day. Waking up repeating what I say. I feel it now. I feel it coming my way. It’s time to toss out the skeletons.”

Brian wrote the initial song idea in January 2019 during a very difficult depressive episode that included a lot of suicidal ideation. Suicide is what Brian felt was coming his way, and it felt inevitable to Brian which was new to him. Before “Skeletons” showed up, his future death was open to endless possibilities (accidents, illnesses, disease, old-age/natural causes, etc. – just like everyone else), but during that winter, and especially in January and February of 2019, he felt he knew that suicide would be the way he would leave this world. The inevitability part of his potential future suicide faded, but not without a lot of attention and hard work.

Brian hopes to share how he manages living with thoughts of suicide, and specifically how he has worked to stop thoughts of suicide from growing roots in his mind. Part of what he wants to share is how Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has improved his state of mental health and how he continues to use DBT skills to build a life worth living. Brian has so much to share and he is trying to organize the information in a productive manner without becoming severely overwhelmed.

Please visit again for more tidbits of information.

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#4. Song “Bulldogs Win In OT” by Brian Jost (2017)

Happy New Year!

Music for today: “Bulldogs Win In OT” (Created around March 2017 by Brian Jost)

Brian is behind on his homework for DBT. This week he is supposed to be focusing on “Mastery” and “Cope Ahead Plans.”

Distracted…Brian is distracted and needs to stop writing for now.

Bye. Thanks for reading.

– – – – –

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#2. Song “Get Up Again” (2021) by Brian Jost.

Partial lyrics are below to the unfinished song idea (mainly a recording to capture a melody idea) currently titled “Get Up Again” (previously “Sorocold”) for musical screenplay composed and recorded by Brian Jost (February 2021).

“I don’t want to slip through the cracks again.
We don’t want to slip through the cracks.
I know this life can be so hard.
And I know that you can do it, do it.
Don’t you ever doubt yourself…you can do it.
I know you can…just go and do it.
I don’t want you to feel what I’ve felt.
I know you can fly as high as you try.
Please don’t give up. Don’t give up on life.”

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.

#1. Song “Looking for Inspiration” (2021) by Brian Jost

The Brian Jost Report; A Third-Person Perspective

Here he is now, avoiding the avoiding, posting on his blog despite his fear of sharing anything personal with anyone other than his therapist. Good for him. Way to go Brian. This is a step in the direction of reconnecting with some people who Brian has been avoiding. He never meant to isolate himself the way in which he has been doing for years. The origin of Brian’s isolation has nothing to do with COVID-19, as Brian began hiding from others long before the pandemic began, however, the pandemic does play a big part in his continued isolation. He is using COVID as an excuse to not try to be around others. But that excuse has only been in action for less than a year, maybe since the world has attempted to return to some level of normalcy. Brian feels that he has lost all his friends over the last 10 to 15 years and he doesn’t know how to get them back. That’s probably not true. He may know how to do it, but he may simply be afraid of attempting to reconnect with those who he cares for, those he loves, those who have meant so much to him, but have slipped away from his life. Brian can’t ignore his suspicion that he simply needs to try harder.

Brian has more on his mind such as trying to understand how to share his music and writing, and how he is struggling to finish a musical screenplay (Or is it meant for the stage? Is it a movie? Is it an ongoing series? Maybe a musical audiobook?).

This song is currently titled “Looking for Inspiration,” composed and recorded by Brian Jost in March 2021. He has some lyrics to go with the music and is trying to figure out where (if at all) this song may fit into a screenplay idea he is struggling to finish.

Brian says “Bye for now. Thanks for reading and listening.”

Read or listen to Brian Jost’s memoir: “Grounded by Bipolar Disorder; One Pilot’s Landing” (available in print, e-book/kindle, and audiobook). Click HERE to find the book on Amazon and Audible.